Previously published on my Tumblr page, http://a-woman-apart.tumblr.com/

I wrote a post called “So you believe that God is all powerful, do you?” where I go into reasons why I don’t believe in an all-powerful God. I was presented with an opportunity to express my theories to my parents, and I took it. I told them that I believed that the story of Adam and Eve was a parable, and that if God really rained manna down from heaven then certainly he would be doing it in the modern time. My mom replied by saying,

“That’s like saying that just because God doesn’t do things the way I think are right, that I won’t believe in Him.” She might have a real point there, but that makes the assumption that I’m withholding my belief from God because I am trying to punish Him for not behaving as I wish, and that isn’t true. I just don’t believe in that kind of a God. It’s making the assumption that God’s omnipotence is an “absolute truth” that I am simply trying to deny rather than approaching it from the angle that what we know as “absolute truth” is from a book that was assembled piece by piece over a period of thousands of years by nearly a hundred different authors. It could be clear that some of these authors misheard God’s message- as Islam today asserts- or even that the books that were assembled do not represent the whole “truth”. There are many books that were either removed or left out of “the Bible” that present contradictory accounts, and even the gospel accounts of Jesus’ life differ from one to the other.

“But God” they say. But God worked on King James and made sure he put everything in there that was supposed to be there. But God was most definitely inspiring the men to write the Holy Scriptures. But God can do anything, so accounts of talking animals and partings of seas or bread raining from heaven or turning water into wine are not beyond the realm of possibility.

My question is simple- How do you know? When people are asked if God is real, they’ll cite some answered prayer or another, some “testimony” or “miracle.” Yet these same people often cite the lack of answered prayer as another reason. They talk about how “God’s ways are higher than our ways” and “who is the clay to argue with the potter?” My parents often talk about believing in God even if they never see any evidence. Of waiting for Christ’s return even though it’s been 2000 years, and the Second Coming has been incorrectly predicted literally hundreds of times.

My mom basically stated Pascal’s Wager- the idea that if God isn’t real, and she devotes her life to serving Him, she’s lost nothing; if however the Biblical account is correct and God is real, if she didn’t serve Him she’s lost everything. I didn’t really respond to that comment from her, but inside my head I was thinking, it can be exactly the opposite. If I followed my dad’s brand of Christianity, I would be without medical care for my mental illness, and I wouldn’t have a life outside of my parents’ farm. If I suffered ill effects because of that, and there’s no God, I’ve wasted my life- the only life that I may possibly have in service to a lie. So really, you can look at it two ways- losing your life and gaining eternity, or losing your life and in effect still losing eternity if there is no hope for you after this one.

I’ll take my chances in living how I want to.

That’s not the only argument that I have for living as I choose to. The second argument is that if my parents are right- that God is in control of everything, and everything that we say or do is already predetermined- then I am not responsible for my own salvation. My dad literally always quotes the scripture “No one can come to Me unless my Father draws Him” when he no longer wants to debate or discuss scripture with me. He’ll say “I can’t convince you even if I tried” and he even goes so far as to say “You’re already saved, because the Bible says that God will save me and my household” so in the end what does it matter what I do? If this is not the path that I’m not meant to be on, God will surely bring me into line. If not, then I will be lost and there is nothing that I can do about. According to predestination doctrine, I cannot decide to believe and save myself. I cannot even keep myself from committing sin without the “power of the Holy Spirit”.

My mom recommended that I pray to God to help me believe. I do sometimes, but a lot less frequently than I used to, and with a different goal in mind. I mostly just pray to be true to myself- whoever the person is that I really am. I don’t want to pretend to be an adherent to Christianity if in my heart I am done with it. I don’t want anyone to convince me to believe in something that my mind really doesn’t agree with. I can’t just throw away all of my objections and be all like, “God is great, we don’t know why He does what He does, but let’s just worship Him so He won’t throw us in hell” somehow my spirit won’t allow me to do that anymore.

My dad used the argument, “You’re not in control. You might say that you won’t grab another plate of food but you do anyway- that’s how much control you have” and I’m not really arguing for control. We’re all more or less victims of time and chance. I’m arguing for choice– that we can actually decide whether or not we will set our life on a certain trajectory. We may start going one way and end up somewhere else, but I don’t believe that that’s because some supernatural, omnipotent God is pulling the strings. I think that “that’s just life.”

My dad argued that without God then life has no purpose or meaning, but I feel that life has no purpose or meaning if you believe that everything is pre-decided and predetermined. I definitely believe in free will, and I know that many Christians believe in that as well (I hope I didn’t give the impression that Predestination was the only Christian doctrine). They’ll say “God gave us free will” but if He’s omniscient He already knows what we’re going to do with it, so how free are we really?

I’ve divorced myself from notions of God being omniscient, omnipotent and to some extent omnipresent. I consider God to be the life-giving force in the universe, so in that sense God is pretty much in everything; but, I don’t think that God has the power to do whatever he/she/it wants to. I believe that there is so much more in the realm of human responsibility than we realize. We choose how we’re going to present ourselves in this world. Like I said, we might not get to do everything that we set out to do, but at least we have the option to try, and there is hope of improvement from those efforts.

So no, I haven’t changed my mind. I still don’t believe in “The Almighty” or that God is literally in control of every step that we take. Yes, Jesus did say, “Not even a sparrow can fall to the ground apart from your Father’s will” and that is a very romantic notion on the surface. It feels good to think that your actions are being guided and protected by an omnipresent being who has your welfare in mind. If you do believe these things about God, though, then you’re willing to believe that people who suffer greatly in this life are also living the lives that God wanted them to live. You have to believe that the lives of aborted babies, children who starve to death in infancy, people born with rare deformities- all of these are orchestrated by the same Creator that “helps you find your car keys when you need to go to work.”

I just can’t accept these things. That’s fine, because we really won’t know who’s right until the end- if that end ever comes. Either when I’m dead I won’t know anything anymore, or I’ll be transported to some afterlife- which may nor may not be the Christian one. I’ll take my chances, because for the first time in my life, I’m actually able to be happy. I’m finally discovering my true self, apart from the religion of my childhood, and so far I don’t have any regrets.


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