Now are You the Sons of God

Previously published on my Tumblr page, http://a-woman-apart.tumblr.com

Christianity differs from the Moorish tradition, and other traditions, because of how it approaches how you connect to your Creator. Jesus, in the book of John, told Nicodemus that in order to experience the Kingdom of God, that he must be “born again.” He said that unless one is born of “water and the Spirit” he could not inherit the Kingdom of God. He connected this born-again experience to a belief on him.

“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.” -John 3:16

The Apostle John, who is responsible for sharing with us this particular account of Jesus’ life, emphasized this in the opening statements of the Gospel.

“But as many as received him, to them gave he power to become the sons of God, even to them that believe on his name: Which were born, not of blood, nor of the will of the flesh, nor of the will of man, but of God.” -John 1:12-13

This idea that you enter the family of God through belief in Jesus is a recurrent theme throughout the Gospels and the Epistles. The Apostle John in particular emphasized this connection, as can be seen in one of his letters to the churches.

“Whosoever shall confess that Jesus is the Son of God, God dwelleth in him, and he in God. And we have known and believed the love that God hath to us. God is love; and he that dwelleth in love dwelleth in God, and God in him.” 1 John 4:15-16

The main doctrines of Fundamental Christianity are as follows,

-Believe that Jesus is the Son of God

-Believe that he died for your sins, was resurrected, and ascended to be with the Father in Heaven

-Believe that one day he will return and establish his kingdom on the earth

Now I am beginning to understand what C.S. Lewis meant when he said that if we separate Jesus from all of his divine attributes, he can’t simply be accepted as a great moral teacher. He made statements that seem to portray him as a bit self-important: “I am the bread of life” “I am the way, the truth, and the life” and “No one comes to the Father except through me.” He was unabashedly proclaiming himself as the savior of the world, the giver of everlasting life, the carrier of humanity’s sins. He said, “He who rejects the Son has not the Father also”. He placed himself as a bridge between Mankind and God.

He was said to be the “first-begotten Son of God”, the only way that the rest of us would become children of God. In this way, Christianity states that we are not children of God just because we are “made in his image.” This is where Christianity and other religions differ. In Moorish tradition, you don’t “become” a child of God- you already are, it’s just something that you have to grow in and realize. We are all said to have a “seed” that has all of the divine attributes of God inside it, but we are also said to have a “lower self” that we have to deal with.

In Christianity, the “lower self” is called “the flesh” or “the carnal mind.” Again, in order to deal with these fleshly impulses, we are said to need to “mortify (kill) the deeds of the body” and this is said to only be possible through the Holy Spirit (Romans 8:13). The catch is that the only way to get the power of the Spirit to work in you is to believe the facts and statements about Jesus.

“In whom you also trusted, after that you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation: in whom also after that you believed, you were sealed with that holy Spirit of promise.” -Ephesians 1:13

Even knowing all that I know about different denominations, and about Bishop John Shelby Spong’s interpretation of Christianity in particular, I do not know if there is a way back to Christianity for me, without me believing what are considered by many to be its fundamental truths. Without believing in a virgin birth, Christ’s deity, his physical death and resurrection, and the promise of his Second Coming, I am not sure if there is much left for me there.

Yes, Jesus was a great moral teacher. When asked what was the “greatest commandment” he said, “The LORD our God is One” and that we should love him with “all of your soul, mind and strength” and also “to love your neighbor as yourself”. I think people of many religions keep these commandments, regardless of the fact that they do not accept Jesus as divine or as the Only Son of God. He also said, “He who is without sin, cast the first stone”. He ate with sinners and tax collectors. He was generous and kind, but unashamedly ripped into the religious leaders of his day, whom he described as “leaving off mercy and justice.”

That being said, if you ignore everything else that Jesus was recorded as saying, you only have part of the picture. It’s pretty obvious to me that we can’t take literally everything that was said, about how he raised the dead, walked on water, or multiplied food. I think these stories grew out of simply an awe or reverence of the man that he was. It’s similar to how St. Nicholas, the inspiration for “Santa Claus” was said to have resurrected a boy who was cut into pieces with an axe and cured illnesses. As time goes by history becomes stretched into legend.

That being said, just like there was a real St. Nicholas, there was a real man named Jesus. The gospels aren’t even unified about what exactly it was that he taught, but we can know from the way he was said to have been killed that his teachings were controversial. According to the Gospel of John, the Jewish authorities were infuriated- above all else- by his claims to be “the Son of God.” If he was simply trying to expound more on the Jewish law and was just teaching morality, I don’t think that they would’ve found it necessary to kill him. No, he stood for something greater- he stood in direct opposition to their understanding of God, and he openly challenged them. It was too much for them to take.

Today, I don’t believe that I have to believe in all the statements about Jesus in order to be a child of God. I too believe that we are all children of God, just by being human. I don’t believe that “no good thing exists in my flesh” but rather than I am a vessel with a capacity for evil and good. I might not have a Holy Book or religious text to support my beliefs, but I’m not sure that I need one. Even though I share some beliefs with Moors and Yoruba people, I am not eager to convert to a new religion.

I was just telling a friend that my primary mode of devotion is through my studying and writing. I may not fast, build altars, or light candles. I may not find it necessary to bow or kneel when I pray. Prayer to me is an open communication with God; it’s a conversation. Jesus said “The kingdom of God is within you.” I might not feel that I have to enter the kingdom of God in exactly the way that he said, but I can still believe that my body is a temple that houses the presence of God.

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Our Adversary, the Devil

Previously published on my Tumblr page, http://a-woman-apart.tumblr.com

“Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour: / Whom resist stedfast in the faith, knowing that the same afflictions are accomplished in your brethren that are in the world.” -1 Peter 5:8-9

We have an enemy- or at least, that’s what I’m always being told. It is the Devil, or Satan, that “serpent of old” who “deceives the whole world” (Revelations 12:9). He was present back in the garden of Eden, tempting Mankind with the forbidden fruit in an effort to get them to turn away from God. He was said to have accused God’s faithful servant, Job, and convinced God to give him permission to completely wreck Job’s life, ostensibly as an attempt to test Job’s faithfulness.

Paul also talks about him, calling him “the Prince of the Power of the Air” who “now works in the sons of disobedience” (Ephesians 2:2). Jesus said that if someone doesn’t understand the Word of God, then “the devil comes and takes it away from him.” Just as he accused Job, the Devil is said to “accuse the brethren before God day and night.” He is said to be our enemy, our adversary, a threat to the very foundations of our faith and a bane of society.

Revelations tells us that in the end he, and all of his “angels” will be cast into the lake of fire, or, hell. In the mean time, according to many an Evangelical preacher, he is seeking to round up as many of God’s children as possible so that they will be forced to join him there. This is said to be a last ditch effort of his to grieve God’s heart. He cannot get to God directly, so he has to hurt him by going after his children.

Many of these preachers also teach what Bob Larson said in his interview with Nicholas and Zeena Schreck, that all pagan religions are “an attempt of Satan to deter people from the truth.” This is a statement that I have a lot of problems with, for two main reasons. Firstly, Christianity is not the world’s oldest religion. If Christianity is the only true way to get to God, why did God wait so long to have it revealed to the world? Why did he allow the world to sit in darkness for so long? Secondly, there are many principles in Christianity that are shared by other practices such as Confucianism, things like honoring and respecting one’s elders, being humble, and being charitable. Also, in ancient Egypt, there was a set of ten “rules” that was almost identical to the ten commandments that were said to have been given to Moses by God on the mountain. No matter how you look at it, Christianity did not originate what we now think of as “Christian morality.”

So where does the Devil enter into all of this? There are some religions that do not consider him to be an entity with a personality. The Moorish Science Temple of America, for example, considers the Devil to just be your “lower self” and representative of your basal, fleshly urges. Your “higher self” is said to be the part of yourself that wants to connect with Allah. Even the Church of Satan’s official stance on Satan also states that he isn’t a definable entity, but rather representative of Mankind’s carnal nature, which they teach is something that you should embrace instead of fight. I don’t know a lot about polytheistic religions, but from what I understand there is no one character analogous to Satan, but rather some “trickster” types of characters that are usually causing some sort of mischief.

To believe in Evangelical Christianity’s assertions on Satan is to believe something that goes along with it- that we are in a constant battle, fighting to keep God’s “truth” in our minds. This is the main verse used to support this argument.

“For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war after the flesh. /  (For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds;) / Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ;” 2 Corinthians 10:3-5

And here’s another one for free;

“For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places. /  Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.” -Ephesians 6:12-13

“Principalities and powers” are said to refer to some of the “lesser demons” that are employed by Satan as part of his deceptive work. If Christians seem like they are on the defensive, maybe it’s because they believe that they are in a war. The implication is that other religions are looked at with fear and suspicion. The world is “the enemy’s territory” waiting to be conquered. Instead of looking for what they have in common with other faiths, they become hyper-focused on the things that separate them. Emphasis is placed on being “in the world, but not of the world”, which “lies in wickedness.”

Rabbi Jonathan Sacks addresses these groupish mindsets in his book, “Not In God’s Name: Confronting Religious Violence”. He emphasizes that whenever we see the world as Us. vs. Them, we are at risk of demonizing the Other. I can hate you, persecute you, and even kill you because you are not like me. He says this behavior can extend to all groups of people, whether they be religious or nonreligious.

So is Satan real? I cannot answer “yes” or “no” definitively, but if he is, I do not see him as being the main influence on secular society. I do not feel like I am in a constant battle with a supernatural being, or that human lives are caught in a tug of war between God and the Adversary. I see far more good, far more “God” in the world’s religions than I see evil. I know that Jesus was recorded as saying “I am the way, the truth, and the life- no one can come to the Father except through me” but how we can interpret that in the modern age is another subject entirely. When he said that did he really mean that all people who didn’t believe in Him were hell-bound, or are we adding something to His words?

Jesus said, “He who commits sin is a slave of sin” and that He came to set slaves free. But when he was asked what was the greatest commandment, he said “Love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind- for this is the greatest commandment.” Then he went on to say, “The second is like it- love your neighbor as yourself.” These are commands that can be followed by almost any person, regardless of their religious affiliation. I don’t believe that the Devil is behind peoples’ lack of faith, their sin, or their wicked actions. I believe that we all have a capacity for good and evil and we have to make a choice of which to follow.

On Being Present

Previously published on my Tumblr page, http://a-woman-apart.tumblr.com

I briefly mentioned the book “Presence” by Amy Cuddy in my last blog post. I know that in that one I focused on the fact that I felt bad for “needing” to read a book like this to feel better about myself, but that wasn’t fair because it overlooked all of the great insights in the book. I learned a lot, and actually enjoyed it so much that I finished it off in less than a week.

In the notes that I wrote after I was finished, I summarized presence as “bringing your authentic self to a a situation”. In the first chapter Cuddy describes the struggles she endured after suffering a traumatic brain injury in a car accident, and how afterwards her difficulty with learning undermined her self-confidence. She talks about the times when she was so afraid about presenting her research that she clammed up and wasn’t able to express herself effectively. That is because, she said, that negative emotions like fear and anxiety cause us to become inward focused- we are not longer able to “be present” and really be focused on the ideas or message that we are trying to convey. Instead, we become hyper-focused on our own nervousness and sense of discomfort.

She also shares about how important authenticity is to people who are hiring other people or negotiating various business deals. People who are making decisions on whether to invest in a particular project stated that it was important for them to feel as though the person presenting the project really believed in what they were putting forth. In other words, they needed to show genuine enthusiasm for the idea. They also didn’t like to see people who seemed to be “trying too hard” or were pushy or aggressive. Interestingly enough, they said they didn’t mind if the person was a little nervous because “they’re doing something big, something that matters to them” so it makes sense if they feel a little nervous.

Throughout the rest of the book, Amy Cuddy expresses how we can reclaim our personal power and “bring your boldest self to your biggest challenges”. We can do things like practicing yoga and “power posing”, which is scientifically proven to increase testosterone (the hormone associated with greater risk taking and initiative) and decrease cortisol (the “stress hormone”). Even doing simple things like sitting up straighter and using more open, relaxed posture can increase our sense of confidence and feelings of being grounded. We can also use imagery techniques like picturing ourselves flying or just imagining ourselves performing difficult tasks with pride and enthusiasm before we go out and actually do them.

With this year coming to a close, it is common for people to be considering what kinds of “New Years’ Resolutions” that they will be making. Miss Cuddy explains why this doesn’t actually work too well for us. The goals we set are too lofty and ambitious. For example if we plan to “exercise three days a week” and we aren’t able to fully meet this goal (we only go once or twice) it tends to lead to us abandoning the goal altogether. She says that instead- and she uses herself with running as an example- that we should give ourselves small “nudges”. We should say, “Today, I’ll eat healthy” or “I’ll stretch for 15 minutes”. Those incremental changes can in the end lead to big results, without us feeling like we have resolutions hanging over our heads like a threat.

I’ve noticed that as I’ve been reading the book and trying to implement some of the principles, I’ve been experiencing less depression and more confidence. There’s a chapter in there that’s titled “I Don’t Deserve to Be Here” that goes over “imposter syndrome”. It explains how people in all sorts of careers and fields often have a pervasive feeling that they are “fake”, or that their positions in life have more to do with “luck” than with their own talents. These feelings of “being an imposter” tend to increase- rather than decrease- with every new achievement. I can definitely relate to having these feelings. Even though objectively I’m doing well in school and I’m handling my life well, the sense of “wrongness” persists. I find myself asking myself “what now?” every time that I achieve something good. The better the grade, the more I think that the teacher may have given it to me in error. Knowing that other people are struggling with these emotions- and that they have nothing to do with objective reality- I can reject these feelings and instead begin to celebrate my accomplishments. I can tell myself, “Actually, you do deserve to be here.

Curious Arts

Previously published on my Tumblr page, http://a-woman-apart.tumblr.com

And many that believed came, and confessed, and showed their deeds. / Many of them also which used curious arts brought their books together, and burned them before all men: and they counted the price of them, and found it to be fifty thousand pieces of silver.”

-Acts 19:17

“You shall not suffer a witch to live.”

-Exodus 22:18

Above are two verses, one from the New Testament, and one from the Old Testament, in the Bible. There is no mistaking that even in Christianity today, the destruction of so-called “demonic artifacts” is practiced and encouraged. I remember that when I read this story in Acts as a child/teenager, I was so proud of the people of Ephesus for having turned away from their “heathen ways” and turning instead to holy, sacred Christianity. Now that I’ve gotten a little older, I have a different opinion on what could really be considered holy.

Holiness, it seems, is greatly in the eye of the beholder. In the gospel of John, Jesus was quoted as saying “unless you eat my flesh, and drink my blood, you have no life in you”. This command to eat his flesh and drink his blood, led to the practices of Holy Communion that we have in the Catholic church- and some Protestant churches- today. Early on though, because of this symbolic practice Christians were erroneously accused by the Romans of cannibalism and many were persecuted and killed. A practice that is literally now one of the Holiest Rites in the Catholic church was considered barbaric to the pagans of the past.

History tells us that the ones who were persecuted quickly became the perpetrators of persecution of others. From the Crusades of the medieval times, to the Spanish Inquisition, to forced conversion and colonization of indigenous peoples by Europeans Christians in the 1600-1800s, Christianity has often sought to overwhelm and overshadow the culture and religion of places in which it has taken root. Non-European people were often seen as uncultured and uncivilized, “barbarian” and in some cases were considered sub-human. European standards of modesty and dress were imposed on natives, they were often barred from speaking their own languages, and they were forced to give up the religions of their ancestors.

Even now, with this Age of Conquest long past, Christians are taught to view other religions through a lens of distaste and suspicion. In another post, I quoted Bob Larson as saying, “All pagan religions are a delusion from Satan to distract people from the truth”. Sadly he is not alone in this radical view- i have heard many Evangelicals make similar statements. In the 1990s, Evangelical kids were burning rock records and copies of the Disney movie “Hercules” because they were demonized because of their pagan imagery. In the early 2000s it was Harry Potter they were focused on, because kids were encouraged to be “witches and wizards” which is prohibited by the Bible.

Derek Prince in his book on demons, reported that after he got rid of his collection of Islamic poetry, Buddhist statues, and other non-Christian artifacts, that demons that were causing him some health problems left him and he was miraculously cured. He tells a tale of a man who converted to Christianity and was then “unable to do a martial arts kick”. This seemed to Prince to be an indication that martial arts was also demonic, and that practitioners of martial arts gained their amazing abilities from Satan.

You can easily see the trend that’s forming. Christianity = good, All other religions = evil. A Jehovah’s witness once quoted me the verse in 1st John- “And we know that we are of God, and the whole world lies in wickedness.” Even Jesus was quoted as saying, “He that is not with me is against me, and he who does not gather with me scatters” and “No one can come to the Father except through me”. The very creeds of Christianity seem to lift up Jesus to the exclusion of all else.

“For there is one God, and one mediator between God and men, the man Christ Jesus;” -1st Timothy 2:5

Christianity’s ancestor, Judaism, was also very exclusive in nature. At a time when most religions were polytheistic, Judaism lifted up Yahweh as “the one true God”. The prophet Isaiah goes on and on about the Abrahamic God being singular in his rulership of the heavens and earth.

“ I am the LORD, and there is none else, there is no God beside me: I girded thee, though thou hast not known me: / That they may know from the rising of the sun, and from the west, that there is none beside me. I am the LORD, and there is none else. / I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the LORD do all these things.”

-Isaiah 45:5-7

With these kinds of bold statements, it isn’t surprising that Christians regarded- and many still do regard- their religion as the only legitimate faith. In his book “Not in God’s Name: Confronting Religious Violence” Rabbi Sacks says that this problem is not necessarily because of the tenets of Christianity, Judaism, or Islam, but because of human nature. We humans are pack animals, and we tend to form close groups. It is beneficial for us to see other groups as threats to our safety and resources, and this simply plays out in our interpretation of religion.

I agree with this up to a point. Christianity is definitely not the only religion that has persecuted other religions and cultures; the Romans greatly persecuted early Christians, and Christians are persecuted in the Middle East and Asia today. Christians, however, have to look at how they’re contributing to intolerance and injustice in the world and choose to take action towards not being part of the problem.

I think that whenever we have a Christian culture here in the States that says that Christians should be aware of the “dangers of taking counsel from a yoruba priestess”** that we are part of the problem. This deeply rooted idea that any pagan ritual or practice is malevolent/demonic definitely stands to be dealt with. Anton LaVey’s Satanic Bible actually reveals how Christian culture has adopted various deities from different religions (Pan, Beelzebub, etc.) into its demonology. Even the name of “Lucifer”- who is widely thought to be Satan- literally means “bringer of light” in Greek, indicating that he might’ve had a different function (and I suppose in the Biblical story he was one of God’s angels so maybe that also explains the name).

Christianity was preceded by hundreds of other religions, which we may not think have any significance today, but were actually a vital part of the lives of the those who practiced them. I think without giving honor and respect to this important history, we are losing a vital part of ourselves. Also, we put ourselves in a perfect position to repeat the mistakes of our ancestors.

Some might argue, “Those were false religions- that’s why they didn’t survive” but you have to bear in mind that Christianity might not survive, either. Currently Islam is the fastest growing religion in the world with over 1 billion adherents. If Christianity’s longevity makes it legitimate, than Islam is legitimate as well. Some people think they cannot peacefully exist together, but I think that they can if they are willing to work through their differences.

Just remember this- we as people have a lot more in common than we really realize. We breathe the same oxygen, have to share the same planet, and we all bleed red blood. The demonization of other religions and cultures is not just harmful to those cultures, but it is harmful to us as well. No one exists in a vacuum. We are all interconnected, and one day, I might have to lean on the same people who I view with such disdain and disregard.

**This is a quote from a Christian blogger who was making a criticism of Iyanla Vanzant.

No Regrets?

Previously published on my Tumblr page, http://a-woman-apart.tumblr.com/

I wrote at the end of my last entry that I “have no regrets” about moving away from Christianity, and I realize that that isn’t totally true. I don’t actually feel like I’ve made the wrong choice, but there are some unfortunate things that have come into my life from making this choice.

#1: Isolation

I’ll be the first to say that the sense of alienation is probably mainly caused by me. My family and Christians in my life who know about my situation haven’t tried to push me away, but I’ve found myself feeling somewhat distant from them. The most typical reactions from my Christian friends who’ve found out about my doubts, is to offer to pray for me or just to imply that this is simply something that I’m “going through” and I will come out on the other side with renewed faith and a better relationship with God. There is no denying that there is a certain dismissiveness- and in some cases condescension- in these statements, but I understand that they do not at all come from a place of malice or judgement.

Anyway, despite everyone being relatively welcoming- and as supportive as they can be- I’ve chosen not to attend any more Christian groups and to limit my attendance at Sunday service. This has been really hard, because church has always been a safe, comfortable environment for me to socialize with people. I’ve tried looking into other groups but I haven’t been able to make a lot of progress with my search so far. Trying to find a new social circle to be involved with is really hard, especially for me as a relatively introverted person who has a lot of anxiety about driving to new places.

#2: Self-doubt/anxiety

Even as a I grow more comfortable in my “state of disbelief”, there are still moments when I wonder if I’m really wrong. I wonder if there’s a loving, all-powerful Creator-God of heaven whose kind embrace I am withholding myself from, or if alternatively, there is an omnipotent tyrant in the sky whose wrath I am inciting by my actions. Often the benevolent and fearful God are described as being one and the same, and at any rate, I feel that I must be displeasing Him. In doing so, I am also displeasing his followers- and that includes close members of my family.

At best I feel like a disappointment- at worst I feel that I may be in peril of “gaining the whole world and losing my soul” as Jesus was said to have said. I have to often remind myself that the idea of being cast into a burning lake of fire for eternity on the basis of mere belief or disbelief, is frankly absurd. If there is an afterlife, surely, our lives would be judged on the basis of our actions, and even if our actions were truly reprehensible they could not merit eternal punishment.

In some religions, being a truly horrible person just means that at some point your soul would be destroyed and you would no longer be reincarnated. Even though this is also a permanent punishment, the one punished does not in effect suffer for all eternity- they simply cease to be. That may be frightening as well, but, in the end, it’s all speculation. No one really knows what happens to us after this life- and that means that any number of things could be true, or none of them. Basing my entire life on any one assumption by itself sounds a lot like putting my eggs into one basket.

That being said, even though I’ve reasoned this all out quite neatly, hearing sermons about “losing this life” or even just offhand comments from Christians about hell and eternity can trigger all sorts of low-key nervous feelings in me. Sometimes, even without hearing these statements, the feelings can be triggered indirectly by random flashbacks to messages that have been drilled into my head for years. Even after separating oneself from the religion, one can still feel lingering feelings of guilt, shame, or “wrongness” that don’t seem to have any specific point of origin.

#3: Feeling lost

I used to pray a lot for strength and guidance, and sometimes, I still do. Now, though, I don’t have a very specific idea of who I’m praying to, and what it all means. In the past, praying to God for help with something also meant “putting it in His hands” which meant willfully choosing not to worry or be concerned with it. It meant quoting scriptures that detailed his “promises”, “meditating on the word” and choosing to praise, worship, and trust Him for the desired result. There was a certain element of “spiritual warfare” which included praying together with other people, and speaking out against any thoughts of doubt that might enter my mind.

If that sounds like a lot of work, in some cases it was. The draw of it all was that I felt that someone was listening- I felt that a Higher power was going to intervene on my behalf. Sometimes I felt literally refreshed and felt a sense of inner peace when praying. Even though I would still experience indecision, I used to believe that God was going to “work everything together for good.”

Now, I still believe in a higher power, but I believe that his/her/its role in human life is somewhat limited. I feel that I can seek guidance from this Force, but in the end a lot of the forward motion in my life is left up to me. This is both empowering and sobering. I now believe that I can’t just pray for things to be better, but I have to be the change that I want to see in the world. I believe that the Divine works through frail human lives to bring about good on this earth. I don’t believe that God has any sort of physical form, but rather is the life-giving force that exists in all of us. So in that sense, he/she/it isn’t really a “person” that we can implore to do this or that.

Another thing I now believe is in my own insignificance. I am not better or more deserving than anyone in this world, and being extremely devout isn’t going to stop bad things from happening to me. I also don’t believe that good or bad events are being orchestrated by some Divine Being. God was silent during the massacres in Sudan and Rwanda, the Holocaust, and havoc that occurred from the “Holy Wars” of the medieval times. There were- and are- times when peoples’ faith/religious convictions implored them to help others. Many Christians helped to hide Jews, but on the other hand, after it was over, the Catholic church was hiding Nazis and aiding in their escape. Religion is neither good nor bad, but good or bad people alike use it to justify their actions. What does that really say about it all?

It’s easy to get lost in this world. It’s easy for me to wonder if anything I do in life really matters. It’s easy to get overwhelmed by the possibility that this life really is the only one that we have- that there’s no do-overs, that there’s no heaven for the righteous, no hell for the sinners, that we all simply get put in the ground and then we’re either remembered or forgotten. When I think about it like that, I have to ask myself if I’m really living the life that I want to live. It’s easy to wonder- “what are they going to say about me after I’ve died?” What legacy am I going to leave?

Not having any idea about any of it, or any romantic paradigm in which to frame things, is really hard. This is my reality, though, and I have to face it. So yes, there have been some regrets- but there’s no turning back now. I feel like I’ve seen a glimpse at the truth, and I don’t want fairy tales anymore. I’ve had some incredible good fortune in my life, and as great as it would be to think that that was due to my personally assigned guardian angel, I don’t know if I can tell myself that I’m that special.

I’m not special. I’m just me.

“Almighty”

Previously published on my Tumblr page, http://a-woman-apart.tumblr.com/

I wrote a post called “So you believe that God is all powerful, do you?” where I go into reasons why I don’t believe in an all-powerful God. I was presented with an opportunity to express my theories to my parents, and I took it. I told them that I believed that the story of Adam and Eve was a parable, and that if God really rained manna down from heaven then certainly he would be doing it in the modern time. My mom replied by saying,

“That’s like saying that just because God doesn’t do things the way I think are right, that I won’t believe in Him.” She might have a real point there, but that makes the assumption that I’m withholding my belief from God because I am trying to punish Him for not behaving as I wish, and that isn’t true. I just don’t believe in that kind of a God. It’s making the assumption that God’s omnipotence is an “absolute truth” that I am simply trying to deny rather than approaching it from the angle that what we know as “absolute truth” is from a book that was assembled piece by piece over a period of thousands of years by nearly a hundred different authors. It could be clear that some of these authors misheard God’s message- as Islam today asserts- or even that the books that were assembled do not represent the whole “truth”. There are many books that were either removed or left out of “the Bible” that present contradictory accounts, and even the gospel accounts of Jesus’ life differ from one to the other.

“But God” they say. But God worked on King James and made sure he put everything in there that was supposed to be there. But God was most definitely inspiring the men to write the Holy Scriptures. But God can do anything, so accounts of talking animals and partings of seas or bread raining from heaven or turning water into wine are not beyond the realm of possibility.

My question is simple- How do you know? When people are asked if God is real, they’ll cite some answered prayer or another, some “testimony” or “miracle.” Yet these same people often cite the lack of answered prayer as another reason. They talk about how “God’s ways are higher than our ways” and “who is the clay to argue with the potter?” My parents often talk about believing in God even if they never see any evidence. Of waiting for Christ’s return even though it’s been 2000 years, and the Second Coming has been incorrectly predicted literally hundreds of times.

My mom basically stated Pascal’s Wager- the idea that if God isn’t real, and she devotes her life to serving Him, she’s lost nothing; if however the Biblical account is correct and God is real, if she didn’t serve Him she’s lost everything. I didn’t really respond to that comment from her, but inside my head I was thinking, it can be exactly the opposite. If I followed my dad’s brand of Christianity, I would be without medical care for my mental illness, and I wouldn’t have a life outside of my parents’ farm. If I suffered ill effects because of that, and there’s no God, I’ve wasted my life- the only life that I may possibly have in service to a lie. So really, you can look at it two ways- losing your life and gaining eternity, or losing your life and in effect still losing eternity if there is no hope for you after this one.

I’ll take my chances in living how I want to.

That’s not the only argument that I have for living as I choose to. The second argument is that if my parents are right- that God is in control of everything, and everything that we say or do is already predetermined- then I am not responsible for my own salvation. My dad literally always quotes the scripture “No one can come to Me unless my Father draws Him” when he no longer wants to debate or discuss scripture with me. He’ll say “I can’t convince you even if I tried” and he even goes so far as to say “You’re already saved, because the Bible says that God will save me and my household” so in the end what does it matter what I do? If this is not the path that I’m not meant to be on, God will surely bring me into line. If not, then I will be lost and there is nothing that I can do about. According to predestination doctrine, I cannot decide to believe and save myself. I cannot even keep myself from committing sin without the “power of the Holy Spirit”.

My mom recommended that I pray to God to help me believe. I do sometimes, but a lot less frequently than I used to, and with a different goal in mind. I mostly just pray to be true to myself- whoever the person is that I really am. I don’t want to pretend to be an adherent to Christianity if in my heart I am done with it. I don’t want anyone to convince me to believe in something that my mind really doesn’t agree with. I can’t just throw away all of my objections and be all like, “God is great, we don’t know why He does what He does, but let’s just worship Him so He won’t throw us in hell” somehow my spirit won’t allow me to do that anymore.

My dad used the argument, “You’re not in control. You might say that you won’t grab another plate of food but you do anyway- that’s how much control you have” and I’m not really arguing for control. We’re all more or less victims of time and chance. I’m arguing for choice– that we can actually decide whether or not we will set our life on a certain trajectory. We may start going one way and end up somewhere else, but I don’t believe that that’s because some supernatural, omnipotent God is pulling the strings. I think that “that’s just life.”

My dad argued that without God then life has no purpose or meaning, but I feel that life has no purpose or meaning if you believe that everything is pre-decided and predetermined. I definitely believe in free will, and I know that many Christians believe in that as well (I hope I didn’t give the impression that Predestination was the only Christian doctrine). They’ll say “God gave us free will” but if He’s omniscient He already knows what we’re going to do with it, so how free are we really?

I’ve divorced myself from notions of God being omniscient, omnipotent and to some extent omnipresent. I consider God to be the life-giving force in the universe, so in that sense God is pretty much in everything; but, I don’t think that God has the power to do whatever he/she/it wants to. I believe that there is so much more in the realm of human responsibility than we realize. We choose how we’re going to present ourselves in this world. Like I said, we might not get to do everything that we set out to do, but at least we have the option to try, and there is hope of improvement from those efforts.

So no, I haven’t changed my mind. I still don’t believe in “The Almighty” or that God is literally in control of every step that we take. Yes, Jesus did say, “Not even a sparrow can fall to the ground apart from your Father’s will” and that is a very romantic notion on the surface. It feels good to think that your actions are being guided and protected by an omnipresent being who has your welfare in mind. If you do believe these things about God, though, then you’re willing to believe that people who suffer greatly in this life are also living the lives that God wanted them to live. You have to believe that the lives of aborted babies, children who starve to death in infancy, people born with rare deformities- all of these are orchestrated by the same Creator that “helps you find your car keys when you need to go to work.”

I just can’t accept these things. That’s fine, because we really won’t know who’s right until the end- if that end ever comes. Either when I’m dead I won’t know anything anymore, or I’ll be transported to some afterlife- which may nor may not be the Christian one. I’ll take my chances, because for the first time in my life, I’m actually able to be happy. I’m finally discovering my true self, apart from the religion of my childhood, and so far I don’t have any regrets.

Do You Believe in Magic?

Previously published on my Tumblr page, http://a-woman-apart.tumblr.com/

My last tumblr post was a kind of collection of my thoughts Anton LaVey’s “Satanic Bible”. At the time of writing the post I was a little less than half way through the book- but now I’ve read everything, except the very end of the book which was dedicated to detailed descriptions of Satanic rituals and spell casting. Earlier in the book, LaVey states that the spells fall into three main categories- “compassionate”, “seductive” and “destructive”. A compassion ritual might be conducted in order to bring good fortune to yourself or someone else or ease suffering in some way. A seduction ritual may be used to try to attract some favorable sexual partner or encounter to yourself. A destruction ritual is reserved for your enemies upon which you want to inflict harm.

I found it very interesting that LaVey, who espouses no belief in gods or demons would have such a strong belief in magic. He says that the laws of magic are basically the laws of nature, and thus tries to detract from the superstitious quality of magic. He actually sort of mocks so-called “intellectuals” who have divorced themselves from a belief in magic, saying that they are therefore making themselves prime victims for its workings. Here is an excerpt, where he discusses how doubt on the part of the victim makes curses more effective;

“The emphatic conscious denial of the potential of the curse is the very ingredient which will create its success, through setting up of accident prone situations. In many instances, the victim will deny any magical significance to his fate, even unto his dying gasp- although the magician is perfectly satisfied, so long as his desired results occur. It must be remembered that it matters not whether anyone attaches any significance to your working, so long as the results of the working are in accordance with your will.”

In this same chapter, “The Three Types of Satanic Ritual”, LaVey uses the example of Christian stigmata (that is the wounds of Christ appearing in a believer) to explain how powerful beliefs can take on a physical manifestation. This makes the assumption that reported cases of stigmata can actually be believed to be true, but we can deal with that at another time.

In the next chapter of the book, LaVey goes on to outline the ingredients to successful spell-casting- desire, timing, imagery, and direction. Desire deals with the setting of one’s will towards the particular purpose that they want to execute. Timing involves the casting of a spell when the target is weakest, such as at certain points in the sleep cycle. Imagery involves the use of objects, pictures, words, and the imagination to “see” what it is that you want to accomplish. Direction is a little less specific, but it seems to deal more with not “dwelling upon” or “complaining” about the possible outcome of the spell. My interpretation is that the parallel would be “not doubting” or “having faith” from the Christian perspective. It requires a certain confidence and assurance in the effect of your ritual.

Of course, the idea that performing certain rituals or reciting certain words can bring about a particular outcome isn’t unique to Satanism- it exists in most of the world’s belief systems. Evangelical Christians believe that by plastering scriptures everywhere, and reciting Bible verses related to healing constantly, “having enough faith”, and invoking the name of Jesus, they can bring about recovery from illness. Many of them have performed these rituals with favorable results, but at the same time there are people whose prayers seem to go unanswered.

In Satanism, if the ritual is said to have failed then blame is ultimately put on the “caster” (or in Christianity, the “prayer warrior” or “believer”) The failure is said to sometimes be the result of someone not being aware of the “balance factor” which basically states that you shouldn’t try to perform a ritual that is beyond your ability. This includes but is not limited to trying to attract great sums of money to yourself when you’re only willing or able to put in a low effort, or having below average looks and trying to attract a gorgeous movie star. Magic, it’s said, won’t solve the problem of mediocrity. “Word of Faith” Christianity similarly states that saying all the right words won’t solve the problem of doubt or “God having a better plan.”

What about the assertion from LaVey that the laws of magic were basically the laws of nature? Many religious/spiritual people espouse a belief in something known as “the law of attraction” and many other similar “spiritual laws”. Apparently, if you doubt yourself, you are likely to fail- but is it some supernatural nature of your doubt that “attracts disaster”, or more the fact that if you don’t believe something will succeed you are less likely to put in your best effort, and therefore are less likely to actually succeed? Or what about the people that didn’t have much confidence that they would be able to overcome adversity, but still did? Or the confident people that were blindsided by pain and misfortune?

The more I study religion, the more I believe that we might give ourselves far too much credit, and maybe place ourselves as being more important in the universe than we are. True, there are things we can actively do to improve our lot in life, and having a positive outlook, utilizing “purpose and intent” (or “direction” as LaVey puts it) are very important. I think, however, that we delude ourselves if we think that we can “deserve” more than anybody else in this world. So many things in life are completely outside of our control. We didn’t decide where we would be born, or how we would be raised. We can’t protect ourselves fully from being affected by wars, food shortages, and natural disasters. Often we are “at the right place at the right time” or at “the wrong place at the wrong time” and want to attribute some cosmic significance to these events.

What I’m saying is, maybe there’s no such thing as “magic” to give us a leg-up over other people. (It’s especially hard to take LaVey’s brand of magic seriously when he talks about the “amount of energy need to levitate a teacup”.) For the practitioners of “white light” religions as LaVey called them, maybe there’s no “script.” Maybe you weren’t “chosen from the foundation of the world”, maybe you weren’t “a king in another life”, maybe there’s nothing waiting for us in the afterlife. Maybe this is the one chance we get. The truth is, we don’t have the answers.

The ancient Jews would say their prayers facing the direction of their temple, because that’s where they believed that God was. Jesus was said to have raised his hands to the heavens when he prayed. Other religious people focus inward, inclining themselves to the “god within.” To me, God isn’t in a particular place or location. I’m not even sure what kind of form or quality that “God” possesses. It would be all too easy for me, to along with rejecting a belief in “magic” reject a belief in all hidden agency. I’m not quite ready to take that step. Science has more or less ruled out the existence of a “God of the heavens”- we’ve been to the heavens and found them silent, and remarkably devoid of anything that could be considered similar to a god figure.

Another thing to notice, is that even though I don’t really believe in the effectiveness of a particular kind of prayer or ritual, I still felt disquieted when reading through the last part of the Satanic Bible. Being raised as an Evangelical Christian has made me wary of anything that could be considered “satanic” or of any “witchcraft” or “false religion.” I keep having this unshakeable feeling that “dabbling in the dark arts” is going to get my house “haunted” even though I know that such “hauntings” have never been scientifically proven. Furthermore, many “devils” of Christian demonology were the benevolent gods and goddesses of ancient religion. It could be that the true “pure” religion was actually the pagan religions of the past, especially considering that they pre-dated Christianity by thousands of years. It’s all about perspective. I’m sure to the Native Americans the God of the murderous white Europeans was considered a devil if there ever was one.

My theory is actually this- polytheistic religions were eventually more-or-less supplanted by monotheism. Atheism has existed somewhat quietly alongside all of the main theistic religions since almost the very beginning, but it has never really taken precedence and so I don’t expect atheism to become the “new” theism. Instead, I think that monotheism in the traditional sense is being replaced by something else- maybe a more undefined spirituality, or a belief in a nebulous “something” that undergirds and upholds the Universe. I believe that as we gain more scientific knowledge of our world, that we may find scientific reasoning behind many of the things that we consider “mysteries” or “miracles” today. That being said, I don’t think we’ll outgrow our widespread “need” for a god- of some sort- very soon.

So, do I believe in magic? Not really, but I don’t fully disbelieve either. I’m still a little superstitious; I would definitely feel creeped out if it was said that someone had placed a curse on me. When I’m in distress, I still find an impulse to pray. I still have a sense of things being either “holy” or “unholy” even with the aforementioned admission that I know that it’s all a matter of who’s talking. I’m confronting my personal biases every day. This isn’t easy work, and I’m very grateful to those of you who’ve decided to take this journey with me.

When Gods Become Demons

Previously published on my Tumblr page, http://a-woman-apart.tumblr.com/

I was using YouTube one morning, when I stumbled upon something interesting in my suggestions. It was an interview conducted by self-proclaimed Christian exorcist, Bob Larson, of Nicholas and Zeena Schreck, who, at the time were higher-ups in the Church of Satan. The interview was more than an hour long, but I sat there spellbound as I watched through the entire thing. Zeena and Nicholas remained incredibly calm and composed in the face of sometimes scathing sarcasm and frequent interruptions from host, Larson.

As the interview progressed, they answered various questions and revealed a number of interesting facts. For one, Nicholas revealed that members of the Church of Satan did not believe in the literal existence of God or Satan. Rather, Satan was a symbolic representation of man’s so-called “carnal nature.” Satanists advocate allowing your natural human instincts to guide you.

The couple also expressed a belief in moral relativism- that there is no such thing as “good” or “evil” but rather these are qualities ascribed to various people and events by people who were in positions of power. Larson was aghast when both Zeena and Nicholas refused to call Hitler “evil” when he asked them about what they thought of him. Nicholas said that his actions weren’t necessarily “evil”- they were actions of a human being performing a human act. Zeena also argued that “there’s always more to the story” at which Larson scoffed.

Anyway, after watching the interview I decided to read The Satanic Bible for myself. It was written by Zeena’s father, Anton LaVey. It begins with the 9 statements of Satanism, which include statements like “Satan represents indulgence, instead of abstinence” or “Satan represents kindness to those who deserve it, instead of love wasted on ingrates”. It moves on into the “Books of Satan” which are some poetic expressions that were reminiscent of maybe Psalms, Proverbs, and the Minor prophets in the Bible- if they had a vastly different message.

“The most dangerous of all enthroned lies is the holy, the sanctified, the privileged lie- the lie everyone believes to be a model of the truth. It is the fruitful mother of all other popular errors and delusions. It is a hydra-headed tree of unreason with a thousand roots. It is a social cancer!” -Book of Satan 2:13

In addition to laying down principles and making various exhortations, there’s also history in the Satanic Bible. There’s a chapter entitled “Hell, the Devil, and How to Sell Your Soul”. Fun fact: it’s not really about how to sell your soul to Satan, because LaVey didn’t believe in that. He even says so- here’s another quote;

“To the Satanist, it is unnecessary to sell your soul to the Devil or make a pact with Satan. This threat was devised by Christianity to terrorize people so they would not stray from the fold…”

The main purpose of the chapter is to reveal how deities of various religions somehow became a part of Christian demonic folklore. LaVey points out that the actual word for devil is actually derived from the Indian word devi which meant “God.” This is not an isolated case. He goes on to say that the “goblin”, “bogey”, and “bugaboo” that were developed to frighten children had their roots in the Slavonic word Bog which also meant “God” (Bhagha from Hindu for “God” is also related).

In fact, according to LaVey even the Greek word “demon” was a word to describe a helpful “spirit guide.” Even the name most often associated with Satan himself, Lucifer was from Latin and meant “bringer of light.” The Greek God Pan who was a part-goat deity of lust and fertility, was eventually adopted into Christian demonology as a demon.

This revelation on how conquering nations often demonized the deities of their subjects revealed how subjective religion really could be. Actually, in the interview, Nicholas Schreck asked why Bob Larson, who was “of European descent” could reject the “beautiful pagan tradition” of his ancestors. Larson responded that “All pagan religions are a deception from Satan to distract people from the truth”. Schreck responded that if that was the truth, why didn’t they know it. Larson quoted Romans 1, which says “the things of creation are clearly seen from the foundation of the world”. It was almost as saddening as it was cringe-worthy, and yet I once avowed these kinds of beliefs.

There’s even more to the Satanic Bible than history, exhortations, and “statements”- there’s relationship advice! There is a long chapter on “Love and Hatred” talking about the importance of sexual freedom. It’s interesting to note that the book was written in 1969, and yet here was LaVey advocating for freedom for “homosexuals, bisexuals, and asexuals”. He was also aware that Satanism was often associated with orgies, but he pointed out that just because you participate in group sex does not mean that you are not sexually repressed. Here are some of his words;

“Satanism does advocate sexual freedom, but only in the true sense of the word. Free love, in the Satanic concept, means exactly that- freedom to either be faithful to one person, or to indulge your sexual desires with as many others as you feel is necessary to satisfy your particular needs.”

He also laid down a foundation that sex should be between consenting adults;

“Aside from the foregoing exceptions (he was talking about BDSM in the earlier paragraph), the Satanist would not intentionally hurt others by violating their sexual rights. If you attempt to impose your sexual desires upon others who do not welcome your advances, you are infringing upon their sexual freedom. Therefore, Satanism does not advocate rape, child molesting, sexual defilement of animals, or any other form of sexual activity which entails the participation of those who are unwilling or whose innocence or naivete would allow them to be intimidated or misguided into doing something against their wishes…”

He also made a lot of other really cool statements about the difference between “spiritual love” and “sexual compatibility” and needing to strike a favorable balance between the two of them. Sometimes, though, he said this isn’t always practical. He even might’ve made a statement in favor of what we now call polyamory when he said this;

“As a matter of fact, often one member of a couple will resort to outside sexual activities because he deeply loves his mate, and wishes to avoid hurting or imposing upon his loved one.”

He was definitely somebody that was way ahead of his time. Also, even though Satanism was widely regarded as a proponent of reckless, hedonistic violence, animal sacrifice, unrestricted self-indulgence, and hatred, if you actually read the Satanic Bible you can see that this is not what LaVey propagated. I’m about a third through my reading of it, but I strongly doubt that he would suddenly turn everything in his initial chapters on its head.

Satanism seems to mostly be about free-thinking, not allowing guilt to rule your life, being selfish to a healthy level, and challenging the so-called “right-hand” or “white light” religions of the world. I would’ve never found any of this out unless I hadn’t been curious and fearless enough to examine the religion for myself.

That being said, I don’t believe that I would join the religion because there are still things that I disagree with. I haven’t gotten to these parts in the book, but Zeena and Nicholas- who by the way, are not a part of the church anymore- stated that they believed in what I’ll term social darwinism– the idea that the strong should take care of themselves and not be overly concerned with the needs of weak people. They seemed to state that the strong were the ones “deserving of love” that were described in the Satanic Bible, and that is isn’t our responsibility to be concerned with refugees or people who are victims of corrupt governments. They also admitted that The Church of Satan was an “elitist organization” open to those who were “worthy” and paid a $100 fee (this was at the time of the 1989 taping of the interview- I have no idea if there’s still a fee to become member of the Church of Satan today). I don’t think I’d make a very “good” Satanist.

Either way, I am so happy and grateful for my newfound freedom to explore different religious concepts, including some “controversial” ones. Expect more posts like this as I continue my religious/spiritual journey.

Achievement Exhaustion

Previously published on my Tumblr page, http://a-woman-apart.tumblr.com/

I’m going to be reviewing some of the ideas that I explored in my blog post entitled “Just Do It” in which I discussed why raw grit and determination alone aren’t always enough to push you to success. I actually started thinking more about this concept after watching some motivational/inspirational videos on Youtube (I’ve been watching these videos on and off for about a month now).

These videos usually encourage you to look deeper within yourself for the inspiration to push yourself forward. They talk about things such as examining your motives, eliminating time wasters and distractions, crafting clear goals, utilizing systems of reward and punishment, and tracking your progress. I can’t deny that all of this is really good advice, but there’s just one little problem- and that is that sometimes despite doing all the “right” things you just can’t seem to stay on the track that you’ve set for yourself.

For me, the problem is that I used to just be tired. I’m not talking about ordinary levels of exhaustion that can be cured by a good meal and a nice nap. I’m talking about bone-tired, skeleton-stiff, brain-clouding migraine levels of fatigue that won’t go away no matter how much rest you seem to get. Like in another post I quoted the lyrics “Wake Up Exhausted” and that’s exactly what happens- you “just woke up like this.”

This can be a sign of a number of things, but the main message is this- you’re probably doing way too much. The threat of burnout is very real in a number of fields and you have to make sure you are setting appropriate priorities, instead of just trying to do everything all at once.

Let’s say, though, that you aren’t experiencing that type of fatigue, but your whole life is sticking to a strict schedule, always making lists, constantly tracking your goals, staying on a particular diet, etc., and maybe you’re just bored. You may be making progress, but there is absolutely no variation or spontaneity in your routine. You have to make room for play in your life. It seems like an oversimplified suggestion, but you have to remember to actually have fun.

I think this actually goes double for people who are working, studying, or just generally doing this thing called life and dealing with a mental illness. Remembering to take time for yourself doesn’t mean that you’re losing sight of your purpose and your intent. Iyanla Vanzant actually pointed out in her book, entitled, “The Value in the Valley” that your purpose is bigger than just the individual goals that you might set for yourself. There is no specific prescribed method for success. There is still work involved, but you should be able to progress naturally- you should allow your passion to lead you. If some of that is fizzling out, you might want to re-examine what’s going on with you.

When I first decided to drop out of my theory class, I felt so torn. I felt like I was taking the “easy way out”. I believed that I owed it to myself to push myself to the absolute limits of my endurance, and I thought that being under constant pressure was somehow beneficial to my growth as a student and musician. It turns out, that the opposite may be true. Of course, I need to work hard, but having some free tme again has unlocked some of the creativity that was quick disappearing from my work. Another bonus is that I don’t feel achy, fatigued, and “cloudy” all the time. I actually feel like I’m an active participator in my life again.

So everything has its place. A relentless pursuit of achievement may seem good on the surface, but it isn’t always helpful to have tunnel vision. Sure, be focused, be mindful, but remember that there’s “more to life than chasing out every temporary high”. If you see life as just a staircase that you are constantly climbing you might not be aware of the bigger picture. Spend time with your friends, participate in hobbies that you enjoy, and know that you’re valuable as a human being- regardless of what achievements you have unlocked.

Talking a Good Game

Previously published on my Tumblr page, http://a-woman-apart.tumblr.com/

I know that when it comes to writing about spiritual growth on here, I “talk a good talk”. “Walking the walk”, however, is actually the bigger component to actual growth and that’s something that I really struggle with.

To this day, when things don’t seem to be going exactly as I’ve planned them, my default reaction is to panic. When things become difficult, my first impulse is to doubt myself and wonder if I’m really qualified to be doing whatever it is that I’m doing. I also tend to have a stronger impression that things in general are going to culminate in the worst possible outcome for me, instead of considering the possibility of them improving or ending favorably.

I think at the root of this behavior, is the false belief that if I picture the worst possible scenarios that it helps me to prepare for these imaginary disasters. I sometimes tell myself that I’m “just being realistic” and that this is actually the best way to approach things. I know that it isn’t true- I’m just giving into pessimistic attitudes that do not serve me. Also, these attitudes do not line up with the evidence that I’ve been presented with. Most of the times, what I’ve feared has never come to pass. So then, what is the point of being afraid?

I still think that the fear gives me power somehow. I believe that if I flinch before receiving the blows that I expect life to rain on me, that I’m somehow able to make them hurt less. When the blows don’t come, I am left with all of the bodily tension and stress of anticipating and preparing for them. This reaction also becomes an ingrained habit that makes it difficult for me to relax even when I am not being threatened.

I told my friend that I think I know what is the root of this desperate need for “control.” My theory is that it comes from living in a very restrictive household as a child. I had little control over my life’s circumstances, so my reaction has been to try to maintain strict control of my life in other ways. Of course, the idea of “control” is an illusion. We are ultimately responsible for how we handle the things that happen to us in life, but there is so much that happens in life that we do not have any influence over. We can choose to be a careful driver, but we don’t have control over a sudden rainstorm that may pass over and causes the truck in front of us to slide out of its lane and hit us. The best thing we can do is just to make sure we are wearing our seatbelts.

“Wearing your seatbelt” does not amount to living life terrified of accidents or misfortune. It’s more like a mental attitude of choosing to just be prepared for bad things that could happen without constantly dwelling on them. After all, how often do you consciously put on your seatbelt with the thought “I could get thrown out of the car today if I’m hit and I don’t wear this”? Some of us only wears seatbelts because the law says to. Most of us, though, just know that it’s safer, so we put it on out of habit. We’re not ruminating on all the grim possibilities. That’s how I eventually want to feel about preparedness in life; I want to come to a balanced state of mind where I am prepared but I am not afraid.

Obviously it isn’t possible to live a life totally free from fear. As I mentioned in another post, fear can be an important warning sign that something is not right with a certain situation. It is crucial in alerting you to danger. The fear that’s harmful for me personally- and I think for lots of other people as well- is the feeling of suspense or being “on edge” that can easily become a part of daily life. This is also probably a good description of certain clinical anxiety disorders (if you think you might need medicine or therapy to help with your anxiety you should definitely try to find a way to get that help).

In summary, I just want to be able to “practice what I preach” on here a little bit more. I wrote a lot about “The Value in the Valley” and I know that a lot of the principles in the book are at work in my life. Purpose and intent are guiding my actions. I am trying to follow the inward voice of my conscience a little better. I think it’s still the courage that I have trouble with- I have trouble maintaining the belief that everything is going to turn out just the way it’s supposed to, and that even if it isn’t the way that I would’ve chosen, that it’s ultimately for my benefit. My trust in the “process of life” is low.

I want to change that.